If you have tattoos (like me) then you know that people are often asking for advice about being inked. If you’re not tattooed, here is a short guide to some mistakes to avoid.
Before you go under the needle, have a look to see what the following might say about you.
Tribal Band/Barbed Wire – Upper Arm
This tattoo proclaims you as a member of the tribe, that’s true. The sad part is that the tribe in question is the “sub-literati.”
Super Hard Neck Tattoo
The placement implies anything but hardness, no matter the subject matter. This is the mark of the young man with erectile dysfunction, or at the very least, a premature ejaculator. Can you say overcompensation? Go ahead and try again. I’m willing to be patient.
Garden Variety Butterfly Tramp Stamp
Beware the secret garden below. The butterfly belies a much more sinister truth, and though the garden is sure to be properly pruned, the implication that insect life may seek exodus from the deep cleavage below may not be so far off the mark.
Look At My Boobs Sacred Heart
Frank Zappa had it right about you Catholic girls. Too many years cooped up with the same sex have you making this desperate and permanent plea for male attention that you reiterate every time you “forget” to close those top buttons.
Any Placement Of A Dolphin
Bad enough on a necklace or a t-shirt, the dolphin tattoo indicates a desire to be seen as peace and earth loving. The bad news is that you were probably inspired to get it after an alcohol fueled domestic abuse disturbance that resulted in your arrest.
Nautical Star
Would you cut it out already? The closest you’ve been to the open water is happy hour near the naval base during shore leave.
Angel Wings On The Back
In your desire to be different, you committed the error of putting puny, atrophied angel wings on your back in an indelible medium. Were they suddenly to become corporeal, you’d be left with useless nubs that make getting dressed impossible. Shows severe spatial orientation issues.
Flower On The Ankle
The design you picked out gave you a familiar, warm-fuzzy feeling. It’s unfortunate that you failed to recognize it was because it resembled the packaging on your favorite feminine hygiene product. A future of daytime soaps awaits you.
Tazmanian Devil
Any Looney Tunes character pretty much says the same thing, but Taz is the mark of the beast – as in Old Milwaukee. The calling card of the unemployable, the Tazmanian Devil shows a character deficit that pretty much guarantees you will complacently be the recipient of public assistance for the rest of your life.
Low-Abdominal, Sub-Navel Tribal
Your shirt’s too short and your pants are too low and that means we can all see your belly tattoo. With or without a belly button ring, this almost definitely indicates a cavalier approach to birth control. Pretty soon, your tattoo will be ravaged by your impending and unplanned pregnancy.
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
thanks for the advise I am 32 with 3 kids and need to feel young again- I love horse and was worried about getting a tatoo I would regret. or have it done in a not so good spot on my body-
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:47 am
To me, tattoos are all about self-expression. They are away of modifying your body to make it more unique or esthetically appealing. I have a few tattoos, one of which is a flower on my lower abdomen. And no, it does not remind me of any feminine hygiene product, and it looks exactly the same as it did when I was nineteen, before I had my first child. Most of the people I know who have tattoos are very open minded, and also view tattoos as a type of personal expression. We do not force ideas of beauty onto others. If a man wants to get a tattoo on his neck, I do not think that in any way implies problems with impotency. Also, who cares if someone has a nautical star but has never been on the water? They like it, so who cares? I also really don\’t think we have to worry about tattoo wings suddenly becoming corporeal. If they did, I\’m pretty sure the least of anybody\’s worries would be how their clothes fit over those pesky nubs. Stop being so anal about everything and let people enjoy themselves and their body art. It\’s a shame that cultural standards and assumptions about beauty are beginning to infringe on a medium that used to be all about rebellion and self-expression.
March 28th, 2010 at 8:34 pm
Since when does art have rules? Seriously are you kidding? what are you the fuckin self-proclaimed tattoo non-conformist? Tattoos have different meanings for everyone..If I want to get a nautical star because I feel it relates to my life, then why should I listen to an asshole like you because other people have the tattoo as well..maybe there’s a reason for that..maybe its a meaningful fucking tattoo.